glad you weren't here

   Horray!  After months of working 3 jobs, trying to juggle in a bit of time for the sluggy bear, and getting both my and my mother's errands run, I have finally gotten time to sit down and repair my computer  correctly.
  A lot has happened last year. friends met, friends lost.  Divorce finalized. One best friend moving across the country, the other no longer speaking to me. the great cat invasion.  Through most of it, When I had a chance to think, my thoughts would drift to 2 people. two very different, but who impacted my life in very negative ways. My first love, who I ended up with for a very brief, very heart breaking, mentally and sexually abusive 8 month relationship with, and my  " nothing I do will hurt you because we are continents apart" ex husband, who didn't realize leaving me home alone in a state I hated, with nearly no one to talk to, no car, nothing to do but stay in a 5 room house with a cat and clean while he was volunteering to travel the world as  hurting me mentally. Who left me for a girl, with a husband and 2 kids.  wrecked 2 families. it's not forgivable in my mind.   But anyhow...  I am thankful they are no longer physically in my world.  I am trying to exorcise them form my head, wash them out.  But i can't figure out how.....

Fetishes

    So today, a very close friend of mine told me that he thinks he may have a cat girl fetish. It got me to thinking.  Everyone has a fetish. We all have our kinks. Most people hide them, bringing them out occasionally in the bedroom, if at all. others still, live the lifestyle 24/7.  Personally, I have a thing for being bitten. I abso-freeking-lutely adore it.  Which made me come to a decision. You should always let your significant other know about your fetishes. that way, if they are really freaked out by them,  you know sooner rather than later, hopefully avoiding at least a little heartache. Or, they may accept them, and your fetish needs can be met, and you can meet theirs.

people are weird.

  I have finally got the majority of my computer issues under control.. ..  Thank you Cthulhu!   I can go onto the interwebs again! Huzzah!  Anyways..

    Humans are very strange beings. It seems no matter how much one tries, understanding them is nearly impossible. Some of them drive you away by any means necessary. But when you are gone, they run to you like a frightened bunny rabbit, wanting nothing more than for you to come back. Not realizing, what was there is irrevocably damaged. You have to start anew, re-earning that trust, faith, and love they so easily tossed aside.  Some of them warn you away. They tell you how crazy, or broken they are. Expecting you to walk away, hoping you will just be there for them.  Others still will tell you anything you want to hear, that they will always be there for you.  Only to find when you need them the most, they are nowhere to be found.
And then, there are the ones who let you into their lives. Who accept you just the same as you accept them. they make you laugh, they hug you when you cry. they share their joys and sorrows with you. When you need help, they are there. and when they need a hand, you are who they call.  They, my dear, are called friends.

Nightmares

  Lately, it seems Night's mares  have been riding me hard at night.  I close my eyes, and some new horror awaits me.  No, I don't mean Frankenstein's  monster, or an Axe Murderer.  Those dreams amuse me to no end. I mean psychological terrors.  I was drugged and gang raped in one, by someone I considered a friend and his friends. I had quite a few involving the ex, and trying to get answers out of him.  The much needed  closure. Or at least to vent so I could lance the damn poison he had injected my soul with so I could move the fuck on. However, the mistress was always there interfering, making things worse and worse until I was institutionalized. There was one about Firecrotch. He found me, bound me, and beat me within an inch of my life. He kept me for weeks, inflicting pain, raping, torturing me, making sure I was just this side of being conscience.
   I don't know what is wrong with my sub-conscience.. but it hates me.

Duality

  Whether it is because I am a Gemini, Bipolar,  a Switch, or just the fact I am female, I have a serious dual nature.  Which, at times, fights with itself. Let me tell you, it is not fun with it does either. It leaves me confused a good deal of the time. I rarely know how to act in situations when the two sides of myself start to argue. It has been getting worse lately, and affecting different parts of my life more and more. Mostly, it has been affecting my love life.

   I have always dreamed of being June Cleaver. making cupcakes in an apron, heels, and pearls for a husband and loving kids. Yet, I don't want kids.  I want the picket fence, dog in the yard, cat in the lap, reading on the couch with the one I love. I know I would be miserable in a month if this was to happen. I want to be taken care of, but I don't want to rely on anyone. I want to be looked at like I am the center of his universe. I don't want to ever be the center of anyone's universe. I want to be a sex symbol. I don't want to be a sex object. But mostly, I want to find someone to love. I don't want to let anyone in. 

  Lately, there have been two men on my mind. Guess what? Polar opposites.  (It could very well be the fact that more than one state separates us that is part of the attraction for them both..who, me, complicated?).  One is a very tall, cuddly goofy sweetheart. One is a shorter( still taller than I though), skinny, twisted little thing.  Thing is, one I  can see hanging out with, watching movies, drinking beer, hanging a good time. the other... well, I want to sit at his feet and call him Master.

Flirtaciousness

  Ever since I was younger ( not that 32 is very old ) I have always been one hell of a flirt.  Although, to be honest, 75% of the time I don't realize I am doing it until someone points it out to me.  And, I may add, means absolutely nothing.  This has gotten me into some pretty interesting situations.
 For example: I have been challenged to make Spook blush. How do you make that guy blush? Easy. I am writing him a little story based on one of his songs, but from the female's perspective. Here is hoping it works. <3
Oh wow!!! Look at the time!  I must go find Angel.  We're dying our hair!!!
 

Welcome to my World.

   Why hello there! Welcome to my world. Visiting hours are almost over, But please, pay them no mind. Stay as long as you like.
  Now, I am not very good at writing.  I am quite forgetful, you see.  I have started many ramblings, and I always seem to misplace them. I figure. . .well hey now, I can't misplace a blog!!!   ... ... . .or can I?
Besides, I question my sanity on a daily basis.  Maybe, perhaps, i can finally go back and read my words days after I have written them, and figure myself out.  That is what this whole thing is about. me. trying to figure  myself out.